MORE ROONEY

MORE ANDY ROONEY.
THE WEATHER:
“The best thing about winter is, you don’t lose your sunglasses. The best thing about summer is, you don’t lose one glove.”
THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE:
“When someone keeps saying, ’You know what I mean?’ It means he doesn’t know what he means. You know what I mean?”
FOOD:
“ If the dieticians who think of new weight-loss diets are so knowledgeable about food, why don’t they tell us why it’s so hard to stop eating peanuts once you start?”
THE HUMAN BODY:
“It would be good if we could close our ears easily as we close our eyes.”
COFFEE:
“Someone sent us a box with five bags of assorted coffee flavors. They were almond , cinnamon, hazelnut, French vanilla and amaretto. If I want the taste of hazelnut, I’ll have a hazelnut. If I want coffee, I want coffee.”
DRIVING:
“The drivers of trucks that have signs on them saying, ‘Call This Number If The Driver is Discourteous’ are usually driving too fast for you to see the number.”
SPORTS:
“Every time they list a baseball player’s batting average, they ought to list his salary next to it.”
FASHION:
“If we all came back to earth in a 100 years, it seems likely we wouldn’t find men wearing ties.”
RESTAURANTS:
“I don’t eat in a restaurant that has a sign outside saying, ‘HOME COOKING’. If I wanted home cooking. I’d eat at home.”
HEALTH:
“Sooner or later, everything we’ve ever heard about staying healthy turns out to be wrong. They’ll probably decide chicken soup is bad for you.”

“Most people find something to be proud of what they are no matter what they are. I saw a young man the other day wearing a black shirt with big yellow letters on the back that spelled, RIGBY PLUMBING INC. I was glad that he liked working for Rigby. I’ll bet they’re good plumbers too. He wouldn’t be proud of working there if they weren’t.”
“When I was in the eighth grade I began to think I wanted to be a writer. Now I am a writer and I have all I can do to keep from wearing a big black shirt with yellow letters on the back saying WRITER! That’s how much I enjoy being one. I am never happier than when I’m writing.”
“It makes me nervous when I see the evidence of how many other people want to be writers. I don’t talk to many strangers or get letters from many who don’t plan to write a book someday. You don’t hear people in their fifties and sixties saying they want to do brain surgery when they retire or argue a case before the Supreme Court but a lot of them say they want to write a book - just as soon as they have time. Time they feel, is all they need.”

RCL - 3/04/09.