KISS AND TELL

Dear Elizabeth: Fairfield, California
February 9, 2010
I enjoyed reading your article in today’s Wall Street Journal ( “Happy Couples Kiss and Tell”.) You write very interestingly, and very well. Your headline in the Journal, caught my eye, because Marie and I have been married for 65 years. (She is 86 and I am 91). I received my pilot wings on the morning of December 23, 1944 and we were married that afternoon, in Douglas, Arizona. Prior to this, we hadn’t seen each other for five months. We were both far from home. Only one family member was there, and that was Marie’s Mother. That was a great foundation to start our life together.
People have asked us many times, especially on our Anniversaries: “ To what have you attributed your long life together?” I usually answer, as did your Dad, “I have no idea!” This seems like a strange response, when our culture is supposed to have a formula for everything. I don’t recall a time when even a separation was mentioned. Perhaps she entertained the thought, but I have no memory of it.
For me, the 65 years have flown by, and here we are. I wasn’t conscious of “working at it” - to protect, and preserve, our wedding vows. I am sure a lot of our congeniality was pure -dumb luck. Too, we are both spiritual. I was raised as a Catholic. Marie was raised in the Methodist faith. She converted to Catholicism about ten years after we were married. I am sure that this framework made a stronger bond between us. Also, we have five daughters. When they were growing up , we were too busy to argue and fight. I think we took our parental duties seriously. Disrupting their lives would be unthinkable. Too, we are both stubborn. I am sure that this attribute provided some of the glue. While my parents were married only 46 years, before my Dad died at 63, they were really a great example of “love” for me. I never remember either of them saying a hurtful thing to each other. While Marie’s Dad died at 57, (she was only 14!), I think that her relationship with her parents was similar to mine.
I am reading “Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff”. by Richard Carlson. At my old age, I figure that it still isn’t too late to get life right. This “treasure” should be required reading for the “bride’ and “groom” in all pre-nuptial plans. Dr. Carlson says it all, when he writes “Love is it’s own reward” and “Don’t sweat the Small Stuff!”
It seems kind of trite to say that it was a “give and take” game plan. But, the major decisions seemed to work out that way.
The first time was when we were snowed in at Gallup, New Mexico in 1944 - just after I was separated from the Air Corps. We were headed back to Michigan from California. (Marie was a native). My parents lived in Ypsilanti, and I wanted to enter the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor. My “bride” was cold, and crying. She wanted to return to California. I promised that the weather would improve, and she agreed to continue.
A year and a half later, Southeastern Michigan had a snow storm. She said, “Ray, you are going to have to choose between Michigan, or me. I’m going back to California!” While I wanted to continue on at the U of M., I agreed to return with her.
The next time we had a large impasse, was in 1957 - some ten years later. I was interviewed for an industrial engineering job in Hawaii, and was offered it. I was excited and wanted to accept it. But, Marie wasn’t as excited as I was. She said that she didn’t want to move our three young daughters. I was discouraged. I explained to her that it would be a great new experience. If I didn’t accept the job, I would be “what ifing” for the rest of my life. She finally agreed to go.
After living four and a half years on Kauai, we returned to the mainland on vacation. I was offered a job, and made the mistake of telling Marie about it. Immediately, she said “Take it!”. So, I did, even though I’d rather have stayed on Kauai. She and the girls remained in California, while I went back to Hawaii, gave my “Notice”, put the house up for sale and packed all of our belongings for shipment back to California.
Marie owes me one!
Today, we are separated - but not by choice. Marie is in a nearby Health Center, diagnosed with Alzheimer dementia. I look forward to visiting her daily, and she seems glad to see me. Recently, I have reflected back on my marriage vow. “------for better or worse”. At the time I uttered them, I really didn’t analyze the full impact of what I was saying. I was only 26, and didn’t grasp their significance. And the “------till death do us part” was unthinkable. Now, we are patiently coping with this phase.
Well, Elizabeth, I just thought you would like to know about a few bumps in the road of our long marriage.
Good luck in your interesting -writing career.
Aloha,
Ray L’Amoreaux.