ACCEPTANCE

ACCEPTANCE
My daughter Joan, joined me for lunch yesterday, here at Quail Creek. We had an interesting conversation about her upcoming Workshop at Stockbridge. She will teach, and demonstrate, how to make skin-care products and candles.
After lunch, we went over to the Laurel Creek Health Center to attend a Care- Plan Conference, on Marie’s status at the skilled nursing facility.
Besides Joan and I, the following facility representatives were there:
Toni - Case Manager
Suzanne - Social Worker
Debbie - Dining Services Dietician
Debra - Activities Coordinator.
The Staff presented their comments relating to Marie’s status, and Joan and I mentioned our concerns and suggestions. While saddened, we were not surprised with the gloomy news.
After the half-hour conference, Joan and I walked over to Station 3 to visit Marie, my Wife, and Joan’s Mother. Upon leaving Marie’s room, I experienced my usual sadness, and I fought off tears. Joan was quiet, so I glanced over at her, and she was teary-eyed, apparently experiencing my same emotion. I am sure that the information, that we just heard in the meeting, contributed to our sad feelings.
This was not the first time that I have experienced this sad emotion. It is a usual feeling each time that I leave Marie. While I have tried to define, and understand it, I have come up empty. Our feeling of “loss’ and sadness, flies in the face of Marie getting optimum care at the facility. (I expect this, when we are paying $230 a day for it!)
The paradox is that I see others in the facility - certainly, some worse off than Marie, I don’t relate to them as I do to Marie, of course. It is probably because I am recalling all the happy memories of 65 years of our being together - a very happy and fruitful marriage. I remember how vibrant she used to be, and what a pleasure to be with. But, it doesn’t dull the pain. I want this same setting again. I don’t have the same feeling for the others.
I see them as very fortunate to have such “tender loving care!”
Why am I experiencing this sadness? Probably, because I am facing reality, and haven’t come to grips with it. I want to “fix” her, and I can’t. I am helpless. It is not to be. While many of us are out- living our life expectancy, it can be at a trade-off! More extended years with chronic health problems.
I have read Elisabeth Kubler Ross’ “Death and Dying,” and thought that I had reconciled her Fifth Rule for Grieving - “Acceptance”. Apparently not. Marie’s Neurologist has diagnosed her with Alzheimer Dementia. This is irreversible. While I know this, I still grieve. The MRI of Marie’s brain showed a loss of 50 percent of the cells in her frontal cortex.
On a much lighter note:-
Later yesterday afternoon, Joan and Manny joined me for Bocce Ball and golf. Our Bocce team showed up at three o’clock per schedule, but a “No Show” for our opponents. Their “forfeit” was an easy win for us. Joan and Manny had dropped by to watch me play. So it wasn’t a total loss, I suggested that the three of us play. They agreed. It was their first try at Bocce Ball, and they were very competitive, as they usually are.
After throwing a few balls, we went over to the putting green. We putted around the nine holes, and I enjoyed that, too.

RCL - 10/22/09.